My dreams seem so much smaller now. When I was a child I used to dream about making best friends with a wild horse. Together we would explore the world and have great adventures. When I was a little older I dreamed about having super powers. Together with my team of fellow super heroes, we would do great deeds, stopping bad guys and saving damsels in distress. Then I learned a little something about politics and how the world really runs, and I dreamed of growing up to be President or a Senator. I imagined I would have a strong partner by my side and together we would strike down injustice, right wrongs, and save the world—the dynamic duo!
In high school I got a little lost. For a while I had that partner, that special someone who saw injustice as I did and was as committed as I was to doing what it takes to right wrongs. But I wasn’t able to see a future for us because there were no models for what we had. What super hero was gay? What Senator? This was before Ellen, before Will and Grace. I had no idea how to fit ‘gay’ into my dynamic duo dream, so I bounced around aimlessly for a while, feeling all alone in the world.
When I met Scott, I thought that I had found a perfect match—he was practical where I was starry-eyed. This wasn’t a pie-in-the-sky, tilting at windmills batch of dreams. This was regular, ordinary, doable dreams: marriage, children, a house, a dog. It wouldn’t matter what I did for a career—anything would do because the root would be the family we would create. It was a good idea, and—while it lasted—it was a good dream. What we found out was I needed extra-ordinary dreams, and Scott did not.
Enter Brad. A social justice warrior, living on the fringes of society, working in the trenches, righting wrongs by day and playing music and talking politics with friends by night. I think we were both surprised by the intensity of our first meeting, a sense of recognition, of fitting together perfectly. Except for my having a husband, of course. So we went along for a long time, trying to be just friends, ignoring the elephant in the room that our meshing was so much more…
Together, we have been through many challenges. Mostly those challenges have been how to pay the bills and put food on the table—subsistence challenges. Not the sort of world-changing work I had hoped for, but life is often like that. Even so, we have persevered. We had dreams of moving to California, of getting jobs that would make a difference in the world, of having a home of our own, and friends, and community. Years later, we are here. We live in California and we both have non-profit jobs that pay enough that our dream of having a home of our own is actually within reach.
So, why don’t’ I feel better? I think I have learned to settle for less. I have learned to reach only for the easy dreams, the exciting start of the journey, the outside packaging, instead of going deeper. Instead of spending evenings mixing creativity and politics and community building, I watch murder mysteries on TV and make pithy postings on Facebook. Instead of saving the world with my partner by my side, we work on our laptops, alone in the same room. Instead of reaching for those starry dreams of a shared housing community, I have dreams of a single home with a single family. Anything else is too exhausting. This is middle age, huh? Too tired to dream anymore.
And that pisses me off. Just because I am in my forties, I can no longer dream of magic and saving the world? Just because my heart has been broken time and time again, I am going to give up and settle for less? Just because I fear losing my home, my partner, my income, I am willing to trade in dreams of a better world for a make-do world? I don’t know that I like this person that I have become. This person with the small, practical dreams. Like The Waitresses say, “I want magic in my real world!”
Maybe I do not have the fiery energy of youth any more, but that cannot stop me from reaching for the stars, for dreaming the impossible and working to make it real.
I’ll just have to pace myself and take more naps!
In high school I got a little lost. For a while I had that partner, that special someone who saw injustice as I did and was as committed as I was to doing what it takes to right wrongs. But I wasn’t able to see a future for us because there were no models for what we had. What super hero was gay? What Senator? This was before Ellen, before Will and Grace. I had no idea how to fit ‘gay’ into my dynamic duo dream, so I bounced around aimlessly for a while, feeling all alone in the world.
When I met Scott, I thought that I had found a perfect match—he was practical where I was starry-eyed. This wasn’t a pie-in-the-sky, tilting at windmills batch of dreams. This was regular, ordinary, doable dreams: marriage, children, a house, a dog. It wouldn’t matter what I did for a career—anything would do because the root would be the family we would create. It was a good idea, and—while it lasted—it was a good dream. What we found out was I needed extra-ordinary dreams, and Scott did not.
Enter Brad. A social justice warrior, living on the fringes of society, working in the trenches, righting wrongs by day and playing music and talking politics with friends by night. I think we were both surprised by the intensity of our first meeting, a sense of recognition, of fitting together perfectly. Except for my having a husband, of course. So we went along for a long time, trying to be just friends, ignoring the elephant in the room that our meshing was so much more…
Together, we have been through many challenges. Mostly those challenges have been how to pay the bills and put food on the table—subsistence challenges. Not the sort of world-changing work I had hoped for, but life is often like that. Even so, we have persevered. We had dreams of moving to California, of getting jobs that would make a difference in the world, of having a home of our own, and friends, and community. Years later, we are here. We live in California and we both have non-profit jobs that pay enough that our dream of having a home of our own is actually within reach.
So, why don’t’ I feel better? I think I have learned to settle for less. I have learned to reach only for the easy dreams, the exciting start of the journey, the outside packaging, instead of going deeper. Instead of spending evenings mixing creativity and politics and community building, I watch murder mysteries on TV and make pithy postings on Facebook. Instead of saving the world with my partner by my side, we work on our laptops, alone in the same room. Instead of reaching for those starry dreams of a shared housing community, I have dreams of a single home with a single family. Anything else is too exhausting. This is middle age, huh? Too tired to dream anymore.
And that pisses me off. Just because I am in my forties, I can no longer dream of magic and saving the world? Just because my heart has been broken time and time again, I am going to give up and settle for less? Just because I fear losing my home, my partner, my income, I am willing to trade in dreams of a better world for a make-do world? I don’t know that I like this person that I have become. This person with the small, practical dreams. Like The Waitresses say, “I want magic in my real world!”
Maybe I do not have the fiery energy of youth any more, but that cannot stop me from reaching for the stars, for dreaming the impossible and working to make it real.
I’ll just have to pace myself and take more naps!
5 comments:
I have always admired your dream, Nikki. But, I think you are just experiencing reality.
You can't save the world. You are only human. Yet, you (and Brad) are making a huge impact in the world you created, you live in and work in. I don't think you realize just how much.
There is nothing wrong with dreaming deeper and working harder at the things you feel strongly about. But, I think you have to "pick your battles." In other words, find one or two things you really feel strongly about and work hard at them.
There is nothing wrong with "the American dream." A home, secure jobs, etc. You just have to make it your own.
Dealing with reality and pursuing the dreams can be difficult and a fine line to walk. But I know you can do it with grace and diginity. Nikki - you have, you are and you will always make a differnece in the world.
Keep plugging away!
An insightful reflection. I too struggle with what midlife dreams mean-have I sold out?, settled? or is there something more subtle that I am now to pay attention to...something closer to home, within? Let us both open ourselves to the universe and welcome what is next...not give up on dreams but see them in new ways.
Hey Hon -
I just wanted to share that I think your dreams of growing up to be a super hero have come true! You have the demonstrated ability to alter people's opinions and attitudes through mere words, actions and personal example. I grant you that it's not X-Ray vision, but when it really comes down to it, how often is X-Ray vision useful? I'd rather have your super powers! (OK - I really would like to have X-Ray vision and your super powers!)
Nikki-
We are all just experiencing another variation of the Cinderella fantasy, taught when we were very young. We will grow up, find our prince, princess, superhero sidekick, etc. and we will have the ability to rid the world of those evil step-mothers, villains or corporate powers. The world will be perfect.
When in reality, we do what we can to positively affect those close to us; who affect those close to them; who affect those close to them; and so on and so on.
In my opinion, this is the real work of superheroes; making a difference that ripples out into the world. Whether it was taking the time to sit down with your child and listening to their thoughts while coloring or giving a penny to someone in the check-out line. It is the simple gestures of kindness that let people believe there is still good in the world. It is building trust with your fellow human, so that they can take the leap and trust another fellow human.
Dream Deep. But while you are dreaming do not discount all the seemingly little things that meant something to someone else. Dream Deep, because we are all making a difference each and every day, even tho we may not be wearing a cape.
Much respect from someone who also dreams deep.
*L*
Some thoughts on all the wonderful comments: Dreaming deeper means keeping all that I have--the small kindnesses, the home, the jobs, the relationships both little and large--and dream them deeper. I suppose it is more accurate to say that the life I have now is the dream I had,and I am just coasting along on the surface of it. I want to be more pro-active in my life, in the work I do. I want to be more presenet. All of your comments help clarify this. Thank you:)
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