End of Year Letter, 2008

Early Childhood Education Work
In early March, Jen and I went to an Early Childhood Education conference in Sacramento (ECE; means ages 0-5). Lisa Murphey, the Ooey Gooey Lady, was the keynote speaker. She talked about her experiences running her own home daycare. We laughed about the parents who try to drop their kids off early, and the ones who habitually pick up late (often the same ones), and how amazing it was that people started paying her on-time after she married a big burly guy and he started working with her. She also talked about the skewed ideas that people have about daycare work, like the time a mother dropped off her kid and two big bags of laundry. She told Lisa, “I figure that you’re here all day.”

Flash forward to November, and Jen and I are at the California Child Development Corps statewide meeting in San Leandro. A group of 40 ECE home and center workers gathered to work on building the profession, networking, and creating an action plan for the year. I don’t think anyone in that room had less than a B.A. degree, and several had M.A.s. We all groaned together when we were told that someone with a two year nursing degree could land a $40,000 a year job, with benefits. That compared to the $8-$12/hour ECE work pays (often with no benefits). I spoke with one woman who, when she complained at her center, was told that she should leave child care in order to get better pay now that she has a BA.

In other words, we want our children cared for by those with little education and low pay expectations. We pay janitors and house cleaners more than we pay the typical 0-5 child care worker. And this is even though the research clearly shows that the first five years of a child’s life are the most important for future academic success. We left with a healthy respect for the amount of work needed to make any real change for society’s youngest. And a determination to try anyway…..

Brad and Nikki Finally In Same State
After a year and a half of living 2,000 miles apart, Brad packed up his house of 13 years and moved from Milwaukee to Chico. I found a cozy apartment in an old Victorian house that has been split up into units. We live in a cool neighborhood near downtown. Our expenses went up and Brad’s income went down, a difficult adjustment for us both. On top of that, Brad was grieving the loss of his family, his close friends, his successful job, and his ability to smoke indoor anywhere, so it was a hard fall for him.

I had the chance to take a part time job with the Butte Environmental Council (BEC) for better pay than the daycare, so I cut back my ECE work and started at BEC in October. The work is challenging, trying to organize a fairly disorganized office, and rework outdated and ineffective systems. I like this kind of work. However, as the months have gone by, more and more duties have been piled onto my list, overfilling my work hours and leaving more undone than done every day. Mostly this is due to the way the place is managed. That and a toxic organizational environment have pushed me to look for a different job. It hurts my heart to say this, but I will also be leaving the ECE field entirely as soon as I am able to find a “real” job (a living wage and maybe even benefits!).

Because of all of these difficulties, living together again with Brad has been challenging. I think we both thought the transition would be easier than it was. Even so, we made it through and are back in sync. I am very happy that he is here living with me.

Down Economy an Opportunity
As all of you know, the economy sucks. Budgets are tight all around, and nonprofits are starting to feel the pinch. Chico has one homeless shelter and it lost a $200,000 grant this fall; it is likely it will have to close. Stories like this are everywhere, brooding like storm clouds.

And yet, signs of giving still peek through. A couple of weeks ago my mom and I saw a guy go out of his way to flag down a homeless man so he could give him a sweat shirt. I know a woman going through a divorce who, even so, has started keeping an elderly woman company and assistance. Almost everyone at my church has been generous with their time and their money, making sure that we can keep doing the work that we do. Sure, we are all stressed, but aren’t we in this together?

And that is the key, I think. We have had recessions before. We will get through it somehow. That isn’t the point. The point is what we do with this opportunity. We have a beautiful chance right now to grow closer, to make our connections deeper, to build real community based on a new idea of shared responsibility for and care of each other. Don’t we all deserve food and shelter and a little something of beauty in our lives?

When times are tight, we are tempted or forced to sacrifice the beauty; some of us may be forced to sacrifice shelter and food. If we pull together, if we share what resources we have, if we let others help us where we need it, and we help others where we can, then no one will have to lose the basics, and no one will have to go without some beauty in their lives.

Hope for the Future
Jen recounted this toddler story the other day: “Aarish once again bit Caitlyn. I knew I needed to try something different so I said to Aarish, “Aarish—Caitlyn is hurt and she needs your help. Please take her inside and help her clean her owie.” He took her hand and as they were walking off together, he asked her, “Caitlyn, what happened?” Caitlyn responded, “You bit me Aarish.” “I’m sorry,” he said, as he continued to help her inside.”

As we move into 2009 and a whole new Presidency, I have hope. I have hope that we will try something a little different. I have hope that we will use this time of struggle to break down some of the roles and rules that keep us separated and powerless. I have hope that we can build deeper, closer community.

A Week In Fall

This has been a busy work week for me. I am only in my third week of work at my new part time job at the Butte Environmental Council (BEC). I now work there mornings 9am-1pm and at Jen’s daycare from 1:30 or 2 to 5:30. The change is helping my income flow since the BEC job pays more, and yet I also get to keep doing the daycare work which is important to me. The bonus is that I get to get back to doing environmental activism work again.

Fall in Chico means that it is cold at night, occasionally enough for frost, and chilly (in the fifties) in the morning, but the afternoons are still shorts weather (eighties and sometimes ninty). There are splashes of reds and yellows amid the late changing trees and evergreens as I bike through my neighborhood and downtown to my morning job. The many different political signs on in the yards also add to the colors. It is clear that my neighborhood is more of an Obama place, but not exclusively.

I did an internship with BEC back in 1993 and I have kept in touch with the Executive Director, Barbara. She is a no-nonsense kind of person and can be short and brusk as a boss, but I also found her to be fair. She gave out reprimands only when deserved and also gave out praise when deserved. So far I have found her to be the same and I get along with her well. There is some organizational cultural roughness that I will have to navigate, but that is true every where. The people are all committed to a good cause.

Mostly I am doing office restructuring stuff right now—moving boxes, sorting stuff, and finding places for things. I am also doing some of the “running an office tasks” like answering phones, running errands, and filing. Barbara has given me several small projects and just this week started me and the bookkeeper on the large project of working on the membership database. That will be challenging because of the software stuff, but it will be a good challenging. As I learn more about the particular environmental issues, I will be helping Barbara with that side of the job as well. At least, that is the idea. However, it is a small nonprofit and there are always too many things to do and too little time and people to do it with, so who knows how things will evolve!

I have not settled into a new groove at the daycare yet. I arrive just at the end of lunch, as naps are starting, and as the morning person is leaving. Lately the house has been pretty much a wreck when I get there and I bounce back and forth between scrambling to get the house in better shape and keeping the children out of Jen’s hair as she is giving out naps. Suddenly it is 5pm and I haven’t even seen the garden or the kittens…

This week was crazier than usual. Jen spent the week slowly getting everything together that she needed for her horse camping trip to the coast. There were multiple problems with the trailer, cleaning up all her gear, packing, planning what clothes to pack, what food to bring, what camping gears was needed and checking it all. She was able to do a lot of this during the day when she had multiple coverage, but things always come up at the daycare, things that make you veer off course, and getting back is not always very easy. I stayed late most nights this week, which meant 12 hour days. We need the money so that was good, but Friday night I was exhausted.

I am watching Jen’s mini-farm this weekend and so had lots to do once the daycare was closed. Mom called to see if I wanted to go to dinner with them, a great offer at the end of a long, tiring week. It was dark when I got back and I had to put the chickens to bed. This involves snatching the two small oak tree sleepers and carrying them into the hen house. Last night they were higher than usual so I had to drag a chair over to get at them. I locked them all in, fed the four dogs and the ten cats, and then went home to pack an overnight bag and my laptop. I had invited Brad to join me, but he got the flu that has been going around and didn’t want to leave home.

I was in bed and asleep by 9:30 and I slept until almost 8am. I was very tired!

It is a glorious morning! Sunny and not too chill. Chester the pony and Asolly are both crying for Zyphr who is horse camping with Jen. Their whinnies are very sad. The kittens have all scattered to play outside except for Ember who is sleeping at the foot of the bed with Daisy (one of the dogs). I am waiting for Jessa to drop Jen’s daughter Desi off. Jessa had her last night and I will be watching her and the farm until tomorrow morning. Tomorrow Jessa will have Desi again and Brad and I will drive down to San Francisco to see Tim who is visiting.

Thus ends another busy week!

High Hopes

The last time I wrote about health care, a friend challenged me to write beyond the “horror” stories. Why not write about what we can do to make it better?

Great idea. But the main reason I write about my experiences with the health care system is because there isn’t much that any individual can do beyond sharing our stories. The system is too large, too entrenched, and too interwoven into our jobs, our political system, and almost every aspect of our lives for one person to make much difference. Writing is something that I can do.

So, I thought about it some more. What can we do about our failing health care system? Not much, but I did think of a few things.


1. Write letters to those who can do something. I know—no one wants to hear this one. Even fewer want to do it. Wait, fewer than ‘no one’? Wouldn’t that be a negative number? Well, while that may not be possible literally, it certainly is possible figuratively! Most people would rather have a dose of hives than deal with politics. Unfortunately, when you are talking about large issues like health care, politics is THE tool to use.

So, write a letter. Write a lot of letters. And don’t send emails or those internet petitions. The best bang for your buck is a phone call. Phone calls hold the most weight in political circles. Snail mail is next. Emails don’t count for much. Writing to your representatives is very easy these days; just get on line and go to www.votesmart.org and plug in your zip code, and all of your reps will pop up with all of their contact information.

The other place where letter writing can have a big impact is letters to the editor. If you follow a daily or weekly newspaper and you see a piece on health care, write a letter. You can reach thousands of people, including your representatives this way.

2. Educate yourself on the subject. In part, this is so you can write educated letters to those who can do something (see above). Making sure your representatives receive a ton of letters on the subject is helpful, but what makes a bigger impression is the number of knowledgeable letters received. However, there are more reasons to educate yourself. The more you know, the more you can share with others because it will come up. I am sure you can remember times when the topic has popped up—in conversations at work, at home, at church, when out with friends….

Easy to say, but where do you start with such a large, complicated issue? Find a source you trust. What organizations do you belong to or admire? See what they have to say. Go ahead and search the internet, but make sure to take the source into account. Another place to start is with the biggest political parties: Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent—see what they have to say. Same goes for the large think tanks, such as The Heritage Foundation (conservative) and Rockridge Institute (liberal).

3. Refuse to buy substandard health insurance. Jewel has a great lyric that fits here: “No longer lend your strength to that which you wish to be free from.” If we don’t want the system that we have, then we should stop lending it our strength—we should stop giving it our money. I am not talking about good basic insurance here. I am talking about paying hundreds of dollars a month for a $1,000-$5,000 deductible—disaster insurance. This sort of insurance plays on our fears, and it gets us to pay them for nothing.

Oh sure, they will pay if we get a catastrophic illness or injury, but how often does that happen? Most of us do not end up with some huge medical problem. Most of us have little things like ear infections and in-grown toenails, or moderate things like a sprained ankle or broken finger. My personal opinion is that buying crap like this just feeds the monster that we want to slay. It is like sacrificing virgins to a mythical dragon; we sacrifice our hard earned cash to the fear of what might possibly happen and in the meantime lose what may be right now.

4. Be proactive about your own health care. Prevention is huge. The more healthy you are, the less you will have to deal with our broken system, and the less damage it will cause you directly. This begins with developing a general understanding of how your body works and the things you can do to keep it working well. Being proactive about your health care includes your whole being: physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Our bodies, minds, hearts, and souls all interrelate and each affects the other, so all have to be well tended in order for the whole to grow strong and healthy.

Body: Our bodies need regular, consistent exercise in order to stay in good running order. This is different for different people. Running works well for my mom, but it just gives me an asthma attack. You have to find the exercise that fits your particular body and soul. I say it has to fit your soul because if you do not enjoy it, if you do not feel drawn to it, you will not do it. The key is not really in the type of exercise, but in what fits you. Some great forms of exercise are biking, yoga, dancing, tai chi, martial arts, walking, nia, hacky sacking, swimming, and good old fashioned calisthenics.

Mind: Our minds need regular, consistent exercise in order to stay in good running order. This is especially true for those of us who gorge on TV in the evenings, which is like eating half a gallon of ice cream every evening and then never exercising. Our minds get fat and flabby if we feed them nothing but TV. This is true even of “good” TV like educational program because it is still only flexing one type of mental muscle. We need to flex our other mental muscles—mathematical, reading, problem solving, analytical, creativity, intuition, humor, writing, and logic. Some great forms of mental exercise are cross word puzzles, journal writing, puzzles like the Rubik’s cube, visualization exercises, scrap-booking, reading, joining a debate club (or just arguing with talk radio alone in your car…), jewelry making, sudoko, and photography. Try out Text Twist, a free on-line video game, or for great numbers puzzles, check out the National Library of Virtual Manipulatives.

Heart: Our emotions directly impact our health. Stress can tear our bodies down and leave us vulnerable to illness. Cutting our emotions off from our bodies and our souls impacts our relationships, which, in turn, impacts our physical health. Libraries and book stores are full of self help books. Self help takes a lot of hits, and much of it is deserved. Taking ourselves too seriously is just as much a problem as not taking ourselves seriously enough. How do we find balance so we can keep this aspect of ourselves healthy?

It is different for each person. There are lots of options and each of us is responsible for researching this for ourselves. Some paths include counseling or therapy, and there are many, many different types, each with their own pros and cons.. A great place to start is with your brain, where much of the emotional biochemistry takes place. Check out the book Change Your Brain, Change Your Life by Dr. Amen.

Soul: What inspires passion in you? What makes you laugh? What makes you get out of bed in the morning? Our souls need tending as well as our bodies in order for the whole to be healthy. As there are many different paths for the heart, so there are many different paths for the soul. We each have to explore and find the path that works for us. All that is really important is that we find something that inspires us, something that feeds the ‘self’ beyond our minds and bodies. This can be difficult in a culture that asks us to focus only on monetary gain, a culture that fosters and feeds on fear. A great book to start with is The Soul of Money by Lynne Twist.

5. Don’t go it alone. Join a group that is working on this issue. Individualism is a great idea but it is highly over-rated here in the U.S. One person can not hope to have the impact that a whole group of people can. Not only do groups have more impact, but they are also a way for us to defeat the depression and apathy that comes from isolation.


Will these things change the world? Probably not in any large or quick way. They will make a difference for us as individuals, though. And our little bit will help the whole. You know the rubber tree ant song? Well, it’s true—our collective efforts will add up to larger change. We just have to keep working and hoping.

The Zen Garden

I know that it must seem like my life revolves around issues of health care and insurance, what with my last two blog postings. The truth is, these issues actually play a very small role in my life. Mostly my life is taken up by two things: the zen garden of the Jen’s daycare, and the UU fellowship in Chico.

The daycare grows by leaps and bounds every day. Literally. I cannot believe how tall the plants suddenly are. It’s like I blinked and then suddenly the yard was full of green and growing plants, bright with flowers. Of course the tulips bloomed a while ago. They were the first and Jen protected them like her first born. She was joking the other day how it is sometimes best to occasionally really lose it, like she does with the first tulips of the year. She said that when you do this, the kids help each other remember. “You can hear the toddlers out there saying to each other, ‘Oh man, you just don’t want to even go there! Jen will just lose it!” “Now,” she said, “They don’t even go near them.” Which is true.

The roses started blooming this week. She has the most amazing set of climbing roses, all with lovely scents. The sweet peas are going too. She has a set with strings all reaching up to the eaves of the garage so they will form a nice little ‘tunnel’ for the kids to walk under. She tried to create another tunnel with the bean plants, but the last frost of the season chomped down on that lovely little idea. Which is too bad because one of the toddlers remembered what she had told him two weeks before—he was walking down the path with several other toddlers when he stopped and noticed the tiny sprouting bean plants. He pointed and said, “Those are bean plants. They are going to grow up and build houses for us to play in.”

Jen is hoping that I will absorb gardening from her; she is constantly asking me to look at such-and-such a plant to see how great it is doing. I have no idea what she is talking about most of the time and have to ask her to actually point the plant out. Which she does, with a full explanation of what type of plant it is, how it grows, what it can be used for, and so on. Still, even with my aging brain, the information will eventually soak in, so she isn’t too far off.

The children are blossoming as well. Each season brings new challenges. It is easy to get caught up in thinking, “how many times do I have to say that?” The truth is, every new thought takes days and days, sometimes months and months, of time to catch and take root. Like sharing—a seemingly simple concept, but it is really a very complex and highly evolved idea. Caitlyn likes to grab onto both of my legs and claim, “Mine!” It is my job to patiently repeat, over and over and over and over, “You have to share me.” Then I pry her hands off both legs, give her one leg and leaving the other free for a second toddler to hug and say, “This is your leg.” Well, it is a work in process, and I have to meet them half way.

Even so, you can see progress within the chaotic mash of same-thing-everydayness. That is why we say it is the Zen Bootcamp: we, the adults, have much to learn from our masters—the children—who know just what we need to work on. What is happening right now? What are those nuances? What are the details? So much to learn, so little time!

Besides the Zen bootcamp, I have taken on many more tasks at church, the Chico Unitarian Universalist Fellowship. This past year I have been doing the newsletter, a monthly task. I have also been on the Moderator Committee. We don’t have a minister, so the moderators have to work with varying levels of speakers to put together the Sunday services. If we have a UU minster speaking, there is not as much to do; if it is a lay person, we might have to do everything except for the sermon itself. This committee has been a challenge because before this year it was a committee of one and this very competent lady is having a hard time having faith and letting go a little. Just getting the committee has been a work of finesse and patience.

This spring, however, I have been drawn to do more. I joined the pledge committee, which we decided was really a stewardship committee. Our church is in transition and the changes need to be handled delicately. Our kick-off was last weekend and it went very well (strawberries and champagne). In addition to this, I have joined the Peace Committee and the Welcoming Congregation Committee. They are both committees where I have lots of experience to share, and so how could I refuse? Finally, I am seriously considering being on the board next year.

Finally, Jen and I have been in the CARES program this year. I can’t remember what it stands for, but basically it is a program that pays daycare people for getting more education. We have gone to lots of workshops this year. Lots of things we know already, but there are always some good ideas too. And we get to meet other in-home daycare workers, so it is a great way to network. The highlight of our CARES program this year was going to a conference in Sacramento where the keynote speaker was the Ooey Gooey Lady. She was awesome!

As a connected part of this, I have gotten involved in one of the sub-committees of the Local Child Care Planning Council (LPC), the Quality, Quantity, and Access to child care sub-committee. Out of this, I was just invited to be on the LPC, and I think I am going to do it. They only meet every other month, and it could be useful as well as possibly helping kids.

I have filled up my time with committees and work. I am meeting fun and interesting people while also doing good work. What would I do with my time if not this? I would watch TV and play computer games. I figure I might as well being doing good. My mind doesn’t really need the extra clogging.

Differing Perspectives: Health Care Take Two

I had two very different medical appointments today. The first was a birth control consult at Planned Parenthood so I could get another pack of birth control to see me through to my annual check up appointment. The second was with my mom’s dermatologist to look at my problematic underarm mole. She had written to him to ask if he would be willing to see me and give me an estimate on costs so I could save up and self-pay for his services.

In the morning I saw a nurse practitioner at Planned Parenthood. She went over my paperwork, advised me to get a mammogram, or at least a full breast exam, and agreed to give me one more pack of pills to tide me over until my appointment. Even though my paper work made it clear, she asked me if I had insurance. I said, “No, I work in daycare.” I say this because I think society ought to know that most of the people who care for our children do not have insurance, and isn’t that shameful? Her response was to suggest that perhaps I get job training so I could get a better job.

Wow.

So many different things ran through my mind. First, that daycare work is not something someone would do voluntarily, which in turn implies that only the desperate, and uneducated would do child care. That implies that I am desperate and uneducated, and while I resent that assumption, I am more resentful and appalled by what that attitude says about how we should care for our children—only the uneducated and desperate should care for young children. Didn’t she realize how important early child care education is? How important caring, knowledgeable, skilled, and effective daycare is for babies and toddlers? How quality daycare forms the building blocks of school success or failure, and thus of adult success or failure, and how that impacts us all when those little children grow up? Apparently not.

This topic is so large and complex that I couldn’t think up a quick response. Instead, all I said was, “I have a Master’s degree. I have plenty of education. And experience. Beside, I like the work and I’m good at it.” She backed off, saying something about how I must have it all thought out, another comment showing she didn’t get it. Then she suggested that I at least buy catastrophic medical insurance which would pay for any large medical crisis that I might have. She said that was what she had and it was cheap.

“What does cheap mean?” I asked, and she answered that she paid only one hundred and fifty dollars a month. “That’s not cheap,” I said. Again, she backed off, but her tone implied that I was being irresponsible in not buying insurance. After all, I was getting free care from Planned Parenthood, wasn’t I?

I shouldn’t be surprised. Our system is flush with the attitude of blame the victim. Of course it is my fault that the insurance system is failing. It is because people like me don’t do our share and pay big chunks of our barely-making-it-as-it-is-paychecks for insurance that doesn’t even cover moderate medical problems, let alone small medical needs. I would be crazy to buy catastrophic medical insurance. Even as healthy as I am, I need that $150 a month to pay for my own minor and moderate medical care needs out of pocket.

For example, take my second medical appointment of the day. The doctor looked at my mole, and did a check for other problematic moles. He told me that he didn’t like the look of one on my arm, and though they probably both were benign, it would be irresponsible of him not to take them off. He told me that, since I was self-pay, he could waive his fees for the office visit and the procedure, but he would have to charge me for the lab tests since that was done out of office. He asked if that was OK with me, and I agreed.

Without further ado, he numbed up the moles, cut them out, and sent them off for testing. He and his assistant chatted with me amiably, keeping me distracted and comfortable. When he was done, he shook my hand, told me the results would be back in a week, and thanked me for coming in. I was in and out in a half an hour.

I walked away from this encounter feeling like a proud fellow professional. His attitude towards my work was not one of charity, but of doing his part for the community by keeping me healthy, as I was doing my part by taking care of the children. My earlier appointment left me feeling like I was a leach for doing work beneath me and that I was taking advantage of the system to support my lazy ass.

Once again I circle back to hierarchical dualism, the dominance paradigm that rules our society, a world view which is based on fear. Our insurance companies have grown bloated and fat off of this fear. Avarice, conceit, and their own fear-based world view have allowed health insurance companies to become billion dollar businesses; businesses that feed off of the pain, suffering and fear of others. They keep health care limited, a scarce commodity, and use our fear of not getting what we need to keep us separated. Divided, we can do nothing, and, thus, nothing changes.

And yet, there is hope. Within this world of fear, there are pockets of resistance. People like the dermatologist I saw today, who value working together to make the world a better, not a scarier, place. Only by working together will we be able to reach across the divide of fear and begin to weave a world of care and abundance. It is slow, hard work, and we often go unnoticed and unappreciated. And yet it is the only way to truly transform the world. In my book, that makes it worth the price.

A Matter of Percentage: Health Care Take One

Most of my life I have not had health insurance. This hasn’t really been a problem. My mom was raised by a Christian Science mother and an engineer father, leaving her with a strong belief that we should take care of ourselves and save visits to doctors for only the most acute or persistent of ailments.

This has served me well. I learned early on to pay attention to my body and to assess what was needed on a daily basis. I know that appropriate exercise and eating well are key to staying healthy, and that the definitions of both exercise and diet change over time, which means I have to continually check in, learn, and adapt in order to stay healthy.

So, I don’t worry too much about health care in the sense of feeling I need western medicine all that much. However, I do worry about the increasing cost of western medicine.

When I was a young adult, I was referred to a specialist for an office visit and a small procedure. I had no insurance and was only making just over minimum wage. The whole thing cost $50 which translated to about 20 hours of pay for me, or two and a half days of work. That was a lot of money, but it was within my reach. I was able to pay my debt in full by making do with no entertainment and a little less food for the month.

Contrast this with a similar visit that I had a year ago. Once again I was referred to a specialist for an office visit and a small procedure. The total cost for this visit was $550, or 55 hours of pay. I would have had to set aside half of what I make in one month (about 30% of my gross pay) to pay this bill. This would mean not paying rent and some bills for the month. Or it would mean not paying bills and eating only Top Ramen for the entire month. Any combination I could come up with would mean the loss of an essential, not just the temporary loss of some fun extras.

My needs then and now are modest. I am good at budgeting and I take pride in paying all of my bills in full and on time. I value being financially prudent. I also value my emotional and mental health which, to me, means that it is important for me to have some beauty in my life—roses as well as bread. Even with this, I feel it is important to be fiscally responsible and I don’t let my entertainment spending go beyond the small amount I am able to fit into my budget.

What makes this all the harder is the knowledge that this is not how it has to be. Look at Canada, France, Denmark, and the list goes on. The people with the power and the money—doctors, politicians, HMO CEOs, etc.—could all work together to create a system that cares for those in need, simply because they are in need. Instead our system is based on the idea that making a profit off of other people’s illness and injury is OK, and that some people deserve a lot more reward for their work than others. I work very hard helping to raise other people’s children—shouldn’t that be worth at least half of what a doctor makes? The last year I was with my doctor ex-husband, he made $250,000. Last year, doing child care, I made $13,000. I am not even asking for fair, I am just asking for enough to live on. Or, barring that, prices low enough for me to afford to pay for my own medical care.

The summer before my $550 medical bill, I went to a neighborhood clinic for the exact same thing but in a different shoulder. The clinic had been formed by local doctors looking to combine western medicine with other practices, and to provide quality care for a low cost to the neighborhood. I paid $75 total for the exact same treatment that I received in the specialist’s office the following winter. Of course, this clinic went out of business, which is why I ended up at the specialist’s. Again, our system is set up to favor those making a profit, not those providing care for care’s sake.

I like to be able to pay for the things that I need. I like to be able to show my appreciation for and respect to those who provide quality professional services, and in our society this is done mostly with money. When I had to pay that $50 for medical services all those years ago, it felt good to pay it, even though it made for a rough month.

Medical prices have increased to the point where I can’t afford to pay for even this simple office visit. Not only have health insurance costs grown beyond my grasp, now basic medical care is also beyond my reach, not to mention the disaster even a simple surgery would represent. In the moments when I can get beyond feeling overwhelmed by this, what I am struck by is a profound sense of sorrow. I feel very sad knowing that I can no longer pay for even the most basic of medical care for myself.

This is not a tragedy in the usual sense of the word. My life is not in danger, I have not lost a loved one, or been crippled, or lost my home. On a day to day basis, my lack of health care does not affect my life at all; it is just a low-grade, niggling worry, an axe hanging over my head that could drop at any moment. My story lacks the emotional grab of a traditional tragedy. My story is all too ordinary, all too much the norm for those of us living in the U.S. And that is the real tragedy.

Cold & Flu Season

I feel like I have been underwater for the last three weeks and am only just now surfacing. Even so, I have not made shore yet. I am still floating in the post storm waves and I would be sunk without my lifejacket (drugs). Still, I can at least catch my breath; I can at least see land from here….

It has been one flu and cold flurry after another since December, and it finally took both Jen and I down. She was bed-ridden sick a couple of weeks ago, leaving me to take up the slack, and has been slowly clawing her way back to health since then. I kept myself from going under too far for the first two weeks, keeping my cold in the moderate zone and my sinus infection treated with antibiotics.

However this last week, after a day of feeling I was out of the woods, I spiked a fever and pretty much went down for the whole week. I limped my way through some work but also took a chunk of time off while Rachel and Christina picked up the loose ends. With their help I was able to stay at home a lot, drinking fluids, reading, and resting. When I was at work I mostly just sat on the couch looking pathetic, with kids piling up on me, and me weakly trying to keep them from sliding off or clonking heads. I was like a big anemic pillow with noodle arms. They didn’t seem to mind.

Of course it was a church newsletter week. I didn’t get the snail mail version out in time (it actually is still not done as I write this), but I did get the email one out. I worked on the damn thing in moments of relative ease and clarity when the drugs were all working at their peak. And then I would take a nap.

Once, when I had a moment of energy at work and I actually picked up the kitchen and then sat down exhausted and discouraged, Jen told me that we are not the kind of people who take well to doing nothing for a whole week. She is right. Especially when doing nothing doesn't seem to help you heal any faster!

The weather has been keeping step with us. It has been cold and dreary and dank and rainy and windy and chilly. There have been bits of sunshine but we have been mostly too sick to take much notice.

And yet I know the rain won’t go on forever. Eventually the clouds will clear and the sun will shine again. Thank goddess for change!